No Random Acts of Lunch

I had the best intentions to upload a video blog today, but I have been far too busy the past couple of days to take on the arduous task of learning imovie. Me? Busy? Listen, just because I'm unemployed, it doesn't mean that I don't have a hectic social calendar.

Yesterday morning, my friends Madeline and Rachel arrived in Atlanta from Nicaragua to attend a mutual friend's wedding. Since Madeline and Rachel are missionaries (ie, semi-unemployed) our first order of business was to EAT. Believe me, there is nothing more enjoyable than your first meal after eating a lifetime's worth of rice and beans in Nicaragua for several months...

Much to my chagrin, the girls chose Chipotle (a national burrito chain) as the locale for their first meal. I don't have anything against Chipotle, I was just hoping for something without that "lunchtime chain" vibe. Upon our arrival, I couldn't help but notice all the business-type employed people lurking around the counter. I don't know if you've ever eaten at Chipotle, but it doesn't scream suit and tie. But what do I know about wearing a freshly laundered suit every day? I'll leave that one to the imagination.

As we sat down to eat our giant, USA-sized burritos, I surveyed the room full of business lunchers. Now, I would think that after putting in a half day of hard work, the lunch time crowd would be in complete bliss while scarfing their burritos and taking a break from whatever is they do behind those mysterious cubicles. Oh, contraire! As I scanned the room, everyone in a suit looked utterly miserable. They didn't seem to be enjoying any sort of conversation with their co-workers--but they definitely love those over-priced burritos.

I couldn't believe I was witnessing such a pathetic sight, but it got me thinking. My uncle, Mark Maraia, author of Rainmaking Made Simple, might have actually come up with a piece of sound advice: Never participate in "random acts of lunch". (Maybe I should start giving that guy more credit).

A "random act of lunch" goes a little like this:

Employed person A: I'd really like to talk to you about those important documents.
Employed person B: Let's do lunch.

No employed person's ritual is more intriguing than the constant exchange of "let's do lunch." Are you really going to get any work done over a burrito at Chipotle? Doubtful. But while Rachel, Madeline and I (all virtually/actually unemployed women) enjoyed some laughs during our meal, random acts of lunch were happening all around us.

Come on, suit-wearers across America! Loosen up those ties. Roll up those sleeves. Eat your Chipotle burritos with some enthusiasm! Save business meetings for the office, and enjoy the few minutes a day you get to relax by getting to know the other over-worked, under-paid business-types in surrounding cubicles. If you're looking for something to talk about, swine flu is a good place to start these days. Just sayin'.

Facebook: The Great Equalizer

This morning as I was driving to... (well, not to work, that's for sure) meet my mom at one of her schools, I got to participate in one of the most fascinating employed person's rituals in recorded history: listening to morning radio. 

I generally dislike morning radio talk shows, but there's just something about the Burt Show on Q100 that keeps me so captivated that I can't help but to laugh out loud, roll my eyes, cry a little, and sometimes shout obscenities at the dashboard. This morning's show was no exception. Women were calling in and talking about friends they hang out with on a regular basis whom they are actually terrified of. For example, one woman said if she stops communication with her frightening friend then that friend will tell her husband about the affair she had with a co-worker several years ago. Man, you employed people have all the juicy stories.

Now, to most people, the obvious selling-point of this Burt Show segment is that many women in the Atlanta area are scared of their friends. But, come on--I could have told you that in the sixth grade. But I, a person of the jobless sort, took away something entirely different from my morning show listening experience. Every caller who confessed their deep fear of their friends made the comment:

"I'm even afraid to de-friend her on facebook."

Because God forbid you have the cajones to click the de-friend button.

That's when it hit me. Being employed is exactly the same as being unemployed! You people who sit at your fancy desks in your fancy offices in your fancy suits don't actually work. You spend just as much time as I do stalking your "friends" on the ol' facebook. You're the people who "go offline" on facebook chat so you can use super-stealth while creeping around the 'book. No wonder I've never noticed you before. I'm pretty sure all the employed people in the world have out-smarted the unemployed (what a shock) buy getting paid to sit on facebook all day. 

I salute you desk-sitters across America! Stick it to the man! If anything, the Burt show has given me hope today. When I finally do get a job, I know I won't have to give up the facebook creeping, celebrity gossip reading, twittering lifestyle that I've grown so accustomed to these past few months. 

Thank you Burt Show. Thank you facebook. But most of all, thank you corporate America.

People Keep Telling Me to "Enjoy" Unemployment

I'll skip the fancy intro typical of an inaugural blog and get straight to the nitty gritty. All you need to know about me is that my name is Jayne, I'm unemployed, and I'm bitter.

As a professional unemployed person I have become increasingly creative in my response to the question, "So, Jayne, what do you do?" Since I have already admitted that I am bitter about being unemployed, it will be no surprise to you that I have had to work hard at censoring/editing my answer to the most dreadful question in post-grad history. Here are some real life examples of what I would like to say:

• Sit on my ass all day eating bon bons.
• Your mom.
• Catch up on my channel surfing skills.
• Make fun of the malnourished kids on those "Feed the Africans" commercials.
• Reminisce about the days of yore--ie, the 90s.
  

Even though I do do the majority of the activities listed above, I try to refrain from bombarding unsuspecting "what-do-you-do"-askers with my obvious disdain for all things jobless. I have learned that a safe answer to the ol' WDYD question is an honest, "I graduated college last December and I am still looking for a job. If you know of anything, send it my way."

This somewhat generic, straightforward response did me well for a while. But recently people have been offering a bizarre piece of advice. After the initial furrowed brow, head shake, and puckered bottom lip they hit me with this little number:

"Well, you should enjoy it! You'll have to work for the rest of your life."

Enjoy it? Enjoy being unemployed? Enjoy having no money and on the brink of having to move back home with my parents?! Really people?!? I suppose I should be grateful for their attempts to console me, but come on. Do these people realize how abysmal the life of a 23 year-old, dual degree carrying, unemployed person can be? Sure, I would love to enjoy it. But you see, in order to do enjoyable things you must have some sort of income. Luckily, the weather in Atlanta has been mostly good recently, so free outdoor activities are always available. But who can enjoy free outdoor activities when the butt of their pajama pants has become permanently attached to a couch cushion? Do they realize how difficult it is to separate flannel and leather? I mean, let's be realistic here! 

So, to those of you who really think I should enjoy being jobless, by all means, give me some advice on how I can do that. Please. I beg of you. 

...

What? No advice? Good. I'll go back to watching reruns of the Real Housewives of New York now. I think this is the episode where Kelly tells Bethenny she doesn't like her, Alex and Simon go shopping for "wearable art", and Luann tells us she's a countess. Ugh. They all run together.